You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is it penis luge time yet?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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