I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize