Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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