woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
