I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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