im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
