you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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