Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
