hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
