My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Randomize
