Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just found out that she named her cat after me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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