Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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