Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
