dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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