Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
