So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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