So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
