Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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