Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
