The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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