Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
