I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
