Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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