the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
