I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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