Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
