Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
