My friends, they love my intelligence
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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