so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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