I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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