dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
