Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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