Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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