just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
