I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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