This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
