As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
