mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
