But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
