Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think your dad took our porno
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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