does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
