And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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