She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
