You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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