The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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