I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
