Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
