This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
