NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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