I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
