I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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