so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
