FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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