I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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