there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.