I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
