I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
