Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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