Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
