you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Who did Billy Mays play for?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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