I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
