I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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