Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
