I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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